It's in these moments we learn what we are really made of; both the quality and quantity of fabric from which we have been woven. How much more do we have to give? How much more can we possibly bear? How much longer until relief (in whatever form) comes?
Spontaneity is not my strong suit and I don't deal well with unexpected circumstances. I'm a planner. I like to plan things as mundane as weekly meals and as complicated as week-long vacations. Planning is a form of control and, as proven repeatedly, I'm a bit of a control-freak. This manifests itself in everything from the chore charts I make my boys fill out and follow, to homework hounding, to enforcing family meal time to church service attendance. All of this in the name of raising responsible, grateful, ethical, Christian children as part of a strong family unit.
At some point though, these boys become men. They make their own decisions and must face the consequences. On their own. I'm not sure if this realization is more difficult for the parent or the child.
Regardless of how they were raised, I am not responsible for how they use (or refuse) those lessons. I've provided the tools and taught the masters class in how to use them. But no matter how much I try or pry or hound or nag, I cannot force my progeny to actually use them. My boys are human beings; full of potential, independence, individuality, wonder, curiosity, and a strong sense of invincibility. As tough as it is to accept, I can no more protect them from the harsh realities of the world than I can stop them from growing up.
All I can do is continue to learn, try, pray, love, hug, comfort and listen. Be here for them when they need me, and especially when they don't think they do. Provide a safe-haven; free of judgement, full of forgiveness, with homemade cookies thrown in for good measure.
Life happens. It's all part of the process and it's harder than I ever imagined. While a part of me feels broken, we'll figure it out (whatever 'it' is). And God-willing, tomorrow will be a day of healing and renewal.