These words came to me in a rush of emotion (I know…hard to believe, right?). I had just gotten home from work after pulling some longer than usual hours recently, and pressuring myself to be all things to all people. Dinner was on the stove and smelled delicious! I was looking forward to a quiet, relaxing evening, but after getting an update from my husband on his day and that of the youngest, my buttons were sufficiently pushed and I lost any semblance of control I thought I had left. Nothing he said was earth shattering, but it was the proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back. Without warning, the words spewed from my mouth. “I can’t fix your leg! I can’t make him give a s**t! I can’t find where I belong! I can’t make it all better! That’s what I do—I fix things, I find things, I make things. And if I can’t do any of those things, what does that mean? I feel like I’ve lost myself!”
God bless my husband. Faced with a blubbering, raving lunatic, he just drew me in and hugged me. Shouldering my sobs. Running his fingers through my hair. Trying not to giggle at the absolute lunacy of the current state of affairs. The weight of my world (my husband’s lingering injury preventing him from pursuing his passion for running, our son’s apparent ignorance as to the importance of studying, grades, performance, etc. for a successful future, the fear of launching my own side-business, and continued struggles in determining where my full-time career is going) all came crashing down around me.
After a few minutes, I regained control and we moved on. I brushed the broken pieces into the corner so I could later pick out one piece at a time and try to deal. Life happens. Bad days are inevitably followed up by good days. Hopelessness in the darkness finds hope come daybreak. But those words that flew from my mouth have stayed with me.
I’ve written before about my struggles with empathy, anxiety, and control. My need to fix, find, and make things better are no doubt borne from these. I don’t want people to suffer, because I feel their pain/loss/fear in a very real and tangible way. I want order and precision because chaos breeds chaos, and things get lost in the shuffle. I want to pave the way and do the heavy lifting so no one else has to. It’s who I am and it’s what I do.
Now, I’m finding myself in a space that is unfamiliar. The things happening in my world are not within my realm of quantifiable contribution. I can support and encourage and guide (and pester and nag and worry and pray and cry), but will that get us to the goals? Will those make a palpable difference? And if so, how do I reconcile these softer, background roles with the actionable parts my spirit drives me toward? How do I “let go” enough to embrace the freedom that comes with loosened control? Am I directing my spirit or is my spirit directing me? And where does faith come in to play?
So many questions…here’s what I know: I have work to do. I’m opening my heart and trying to listen more often, more intently, more deeply. Not to the noise around me, but to my own voice; easing into a space filled with self-awareness and honesty. Recognizing my gifts for what they are and finding purpose tied more to living a life full of forgiveness, peace, acceptance, and grace, instead of control, judgment, and manipulation. Hopefully discovering balance and truth along the way.
Life is a unique and personal journey. While we traverse these paths with others, our internal compass leads us forward. If we can’t recognize the person holding the compass, how can we possibly determine the course that will lead us to where we are meant to be?
I am many things. But mostly, I’m a work in progress. And, I’m complicated. But the beauty of life is the opportunity to take a step back, re-evaluate, and make a change. Evolve. Adapt. And enjoy the process. So for now, I’m going to work on fixing me; finding what’s broken or bent or out of alignment, and focusing on making a difference. After all, it’s who I am!