My life is casual, easy-going, unpretentious and pretty darn COMFORTABLE. I know what I like and what I don’t. I tend to be a creature of habit and generally aspire to live within my comfort zone.
But, I realize even though that seems like the safest place to be, it limits me. My comfort zone can become a trap, a rut, a road to nowhere. And as I age (gosh I hate the way that sounds), I can see my comfort zone narrowing, making my world that much smaller and giving my fears that much more power over me.
It may come as a surprise to some, but I haven’t always been so predictable, overly cautious, boring, and responsible. There was a time (before marriage, kids, and adult obligations) when I was much more “fly by the seat of my pants.” I’ve skinny-dipped in Lake Michigan with perfect strangers, passed out at a Jimmy Buffet concert, snuck away from college to visit a boyfriend in Chicago, and some other activities I’d rather not document for my kids’ sake. I had boundaries, but pushed them. The world seemed much bigger back then and my greatest fear was disappointing my parents (this one is still pretty high on my list).
Those moments of reckless abandon seem like a lifetime ago. I don’t really remember the last time I pushed myself outside my comfort zone, either mentally or physically (unless 8th grade math problems, or riding the rollercoaster known as teenage hormones count). It’s just easier to shy away from those things that make me uncomfortable: confrontation, physical exertion, disappointment, embarrassment, rejection, attention, judgement. Build up the walls. Close in the circle. Wrap myself in the bubble of denial and safety in the name of self-preservation.
Well, that’s a REALLY lonely place. Comfortable, but lonely.
I silently wish I could be one of those people always looking for the next big adventure, throwing caution to the wind; pushing themselves to the absolute brink in pursuit of conquering the impossible; fearless in the face of potentially devastating consequences; making the most of each day with a resolve to be better than yesterday; proving to themselves and anyone else willing to follow along, that our only limits come from within. I know these people exist…I married one. But for the life of me, I can no longer relate to the mentality. I love him to bits, but I don’t get it.
Does it really come down to that? Are some people just wired differently, or is this an excuse the rest of us use to justify what we have deemed our “lot in life”? Was I one of these people once and I’ve allowed life to change me, or was my former self simply a “wanna be”, trying to establish a persona beyond my means? Has my current comfort zone instead become my excuse zone? A place now filled with reasons “not to”, sad and empty apologies for being who I am, and defensive comebacks meant to cover-up my self-deemed inadequacies?
The answer is…it’s time to find out. Not a COMFORTABLE process, but necessary. I need to unearth what I’ve been hiding from. I need to discover who I’m meant to be. I need to embrace so much more of this world than I’ve been willing to in recent years. I will expand my comfort zone, break down the walls, and find myself. One awkward and uncomfortable step at a time.
Look out world. Here I come…again!