Well, four weeks ago, I got my wish. My husband, due to the closure of his company, has become my very own house husband. And I’d be lying if I said I’m not enjoying it :)
I come home from work and dinner is ready. The house is clean. And not just your standard, run-of-the-mill clean, but clean with a capital ‘C’. Last week, I came home to him re-hanging the kitchen valances. I can honestly say, they haven’t been laundered in…I don’t even know how long. It’s been so long in fact, that when he hung them back up, we noticed we could see straight through several places. It seems the fabric simply disintegrated in response to years of neglect. Bless his heart!
Our “junk” drawers are now organized. The yard is manicured. The siding has been power-washed. The kitchen cabinets have been scrubbed and de-greased. Laundry and dishes seem pedestrian tasks in comparison, but they are being finished on a regular basis as well!
On top of all of that, he has stepped up his involvement with us. He’s tuned in and present. His relationship with our youngest son is stronger than ever and they are developing a very special bond; complete with inside jokes, impromptu wrestling matches, and fun projects like making homemade beef jerky and plotting their next move against neighborhood rodents! What a joy to witness!
On one special morning, he woke me up at 5:05am to tell me breakfast was ready. Now understand, my alarm is normally set for 5:30 and I LOVE my sleep. But he was so excited and happy to serve me coffee and my favorite egg and avocado toast, I didn’t have it in me to be the least bit annoyed. All of this just to spend time together, before the hustle and bustle of the day took over. Just the two of us. Just because. What a LOVELY way to start the day!
He is spoiling us and I like it :) But, it takes some getting used to. I’m the care giver, not the receiver. I don’t know how to respond now that the tables have turned. For instance, there was the one day when I came home to a meticulously clean house, delicious scents coming from the kitchen, all laundry finished and put away, fresh cut flowers on the counter, and the son sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. I literally cried. How did he make it all look so easy? Why wasn’t he complaining, wiping sweat off his brow, pulling his hair out, and screaming like a petulant child? If he can handle all of this with such grace and calm, what does that say about me? How soon will he realize he doesn’t need me?
While this isn’t a true role-swap, as I have never been a stay-at-home mom, it’s been an interesting few weeks as we navigate this new space and tweak the boundaries. Individually, he has had to come to grips with what can be, for some men, an emasculating experience. No longer contributing financially, or acting as the “bread-winner” requires an abundance of humility and self-awareness. Saying good-bye to the daily comradery he enjoyed for so long has also been an adjustment. He is a social person by nature so that aspect is a necessary part of his personality that will need to be nourished in some capacity, on a regular basis fairly soon.
Unfortunately, he’s also been forced to answer the same questions…A LOT, from friends, family and acquaintances. How are you doing? Aren’t you working yet? When are you going to get a job? Are you sure you’re okay? What kind of example are you setting for your kids? While the inquiries are well-intentioned, they perpetuate the stigma that a stay-at-home partner/parent is depressed, incapable, lazy, or the like; which couldn’t be further from the truth.
First of all, our kids are manchildren…well past the point of needing to be coddled when it comes to life changes. If working hard for 20+ years, never being without a job since age 17, providing for a family, and giving generously through both time and effort to anyone needing help, are examples which bring his character into question, then by all means, ask away. Otherwise, consider his dedication to motivating others, desire to push himself physically and mentally, pursuit of his passions, and devotion to his family as the best examples he could possibly bestow upon his sons.
Secondly, this situation has put things in perspective and allowed all of us to take a step back and really evaluate what’s important and how we want to live the next half of our lives. We see others close to us who continue to work hard but at the expense of time with their families or in hopes of early retirement. We have watched as too many spend what free time they have complaining about their jobs and yearning for an outlet. Tomorrow is not promised. All we have is today. We are truly blessed that, at least for the time being, we are in a position to enjoy our current state. We intend on relishing every moment!
I’m so proud of the way he has handled this transition, and how we have come together as a family unit! Marriage and friendship require flexibility and flow; constant re-evaluation and adjustment; acknowledgement of change and embracement of challenge. But acceptance does not equal complacency. Focus has shifted and his passion for running has greatly benefited from the relief of a weight he didn’t even know was limiting him. We are collectively discovering and growing and transforming…not necessarily learning the same lessons at the same time, but eager to reveal the best version of ourselves while supporting the unveiling of the best versions of our better half. He is well on his way, but I have a looooonnnnnnggggg way to go.
Truth is, he’s a better house-husband than I have ever been a house-wife. And every day, I’m closer to being okay with that.