Alrighty, then! That was one of many mommy moments when I didn't know if I should laugh out loud, or cry in my coffee! Looking back, I'm pretty sure I did both!
Years later, I still struggle to find the balance between pushing my kids to live beyond the mediocrity (striving for excellence) and encouraging them to embrace who they are, both the average, middle-of-the-road talents and their unique, God-given gifts.
These exercises in parenting inevitably result in a bevy of questions: When is good, good enough? When is a mistake, just a mistake, and not a character flaw? When is an error in judgement just a momentary lapse, and not a habitual problem requiring professional intervention? When do we let them fail and when do we step in to save the day? How do we raise responsible kids in a world fraught with entitlement and second, third, and fourth chances? When do I get to stop worrying about saying or doing something that may send my kids into therapy, and just get to enjoy the men they are growing into?
Perhaps my high expectations of others are driven by my need for control. I expect more of myself than I could ever possibly accomplish, but I strive for the ideal; perfection; a flawless and faultless existence. When that cannot be achieved (for obvious but irrelevant reasons), I revert to ceaseless criticism of those closest to me. Raising the bar, expecting more, all the while giving up on my own goals (or refraining from setting any at all). The more I fail, the more reluctant I am to try. The less I try, the less I achieve and the more I depend on my accomplishments, my worth, to be defined by the actions of those around me. Vicious cycle.
In the past, as long as my husband, my boys, my parents, my friends are successful and a source of pride, I thought I must be doing something right and my self-worth would soar. On the other hand, when the falls from grace predictably occurred, I would also take responsibility and place blame on myself for the collapse. Unhealthy to say the least.
Thankfully, and by God's grace alone, today is a new day. A chance to change course and "re-evaluate my expectations." My goals for today (and every day hereafter): 1)Face my fears and allow myself to be present in the moment, 2)Feel all the emotions as they come, 3)Set realistic, achievable expectations for myself; thereby providing a positive example for my boys,
4) Pray ceaselessly for guidance, strength, and forgiveness.
Never give up. Never give in. Always be willing to start again.